Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.