Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.