Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me if I was a dog
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter