Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd