Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.