Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Single and childfree like Jesus
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.