Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Fights fire with marshmallows

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.