Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Limited budget
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.