Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”