Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.