Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

This guy gets it.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.