SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
@ candidates for local office
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E