SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
You don’t even know
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.