Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

The news is so predictable nowadays

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower