Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”