Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December