Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Duolingo getting serious.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

I hope it’s French Onion!

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.