Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?