Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Split the bill
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.