Sounds about right! 💯
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’