Sounds about right! 馃挴
馃寪
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we鈥檝e technically already served the time for it
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you鈥檙e pleased to see them, tell them you鈥檝e just got home.
If you don鈥檛 want them in, say you were just on your way out.
馃榿
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
God: Imagine there鈥檚 no heaven, it鈥檚 easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
the council will decide your fate
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don鈥檛 call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don鈥檛 call me Shirley
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: You haven鈥檛 fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
every college guy鈥檚 fridge
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it鈥檚 nice to know I鈥檓 not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.