Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
So inspired right now.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.