Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

i baked you a cake

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

My safe word is Worcestershire

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam