Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

i love meeting boys on tinder

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay