Sounds about right! 💯
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.