Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My inexpensive home security system…
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
sir, my pâté if you please
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.