Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
figuring out my emotional availability:
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Selfie
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.