Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
i hate you platonically
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Math at Halloween.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
he looks great for his age
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.