Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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The old gods are rising again.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I beg your pardon?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.