Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

i meant to share this earlier

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.