sounds kinky. i’m in.
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Saw online –
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.