sounds kinky. i’m in.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.