Sounds like a bargain
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.