Sounds like a bargain
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
wtf is an acronym
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Cold.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*