Sounds like a bargain
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Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Watermelon Boss!
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.