Sounds like a real hoot.
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Meow
Um … Hot Wings please
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I am all good here, 😂😉
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Too easy.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.