Sounds like a real hoot.
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100