*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
house sitting!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.