@juju_742

Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.

You Might Also Like

@perlhack

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

@DanMentos

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

@TheHyyyype

[speed-dating]

ME: wanna see a magic trick?

HER: sure!

ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@pilau

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT