Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.
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Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
ME: wanna see a magic trick?
ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT