Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.