Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine