Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
You might just have to resign…
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.