Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica