*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.