soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Only Americans understand
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
cats when you pet them too long:
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.