Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Ron is short for Aaronald

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.