Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”