soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
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Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed