soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
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[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
i love modern commerce
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory