soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
here we go again
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Doctors texting each other.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.