Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Botany good plants lately?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Day 2 of my diet
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.