Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.