Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

“No way.” -Jose

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.