Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
📽️movie date🎞️
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled