i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.