Spa day..😅
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.