Spa day..馃槄
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she鈥檇 turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings庐.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine鈥uess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his馃槑
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We鈥檙e good but we haven鈥檛 got a gig yet.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should鈥檝e tried harder
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie