Spa day..😅
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
This pepper has seen some shit
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Very good news from my accountant
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”