Spa day..😅
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Cashiers are always checking me out
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.