Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
This came to me in a dream.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!