Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
peak technology
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.