*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
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Customize Your Wedding.
Knock Knock
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Same pineapple, same
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.