Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Oh no

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Breaking news:

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.