Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent