Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Buck naked

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.