*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately![]()
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Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Always…
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats