Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

Thank you 🥹

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

No. YOU-buprofen.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS