Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

The game has officially changed 😎

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

😂😂

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please