Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Storm Tropical Storm
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.