Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
You Might Also Like
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah