Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.