Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.