“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.