space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Taliband
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
who did the taste test?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Monday Lisa
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time