‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
no one ever comes back
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.