Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

File under excellent bookstore names.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.