Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife