Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

pelicons

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous